With the big vote over it's Return To Normalcy Week here in Cohasset.
People we loathed and plotted against last week go back to being just
our parents again. We steal signs from a neighbor's lawn and fling them
into another neighbor's 30-yard dumpster purely for the visceral thrill
of it, not for political gain. And we deserve the break, certainly.
But let's not kid ourselves; one crucial issue remains unresolved. We
must now turn our collective attention back to the contentious question
that has hung over this nation for thirty-five years, namely, which is
better: Disneyland or Disney World.

This is the ideal moment for the town to tackle this urgent matter, because
frankly I need your support. As a husband and father of three daughters
I am constantly being outvoted. The only other male in my house is a cat
who doesn't bring much testosterone to the table anymore, if you catch
my drift. Meanwhile the clock is ticking, because my daughter Emily
turns six in July, and visiting a Disney park each year a child turns
six is one of only two Lengyel Family traditions, the other one being the
strict observance of allergy season. To prepare you for the vote
I will now set aside the petty personal prejudices of my wife and
children and with only rationality as a guide, construct a list of pros
and cons that will help lead us toward the inexorable conclusion that
Disneyland is in fact way, way better than Disney World.

Like any piece of real estate the three most important qualities of a
vacation destination are location, location and location. With this
in mind, let us notice that one of the destinations is in Southern
California, whereas the other one is located in a gigantic outdoor
sauna. Now, I realize that many of you have some affection for Florida,
and the last thing I want to do in this column is alienate a large
potential constituency by insulting their favorite state. That is why
I urge those of you with poor taste in states to skip the rest of this
column and move straight on to the police blotter. The rest of you are
no doubt well aware of the following facts:

California has Yosemite National Park, Lake Tahoe, redwood forests,
pristine deserts and canyons, Mount Shasta, Napa Valley, Big Sur, and
Clint Eastwood.

Florida has a huge swamp.

Biting insects are not a problem in California.

In Florida the swarms of biting insects are not a problem when compared
to the biting 500lb reptiles.

California has a thriving, multi-faceted market economy that fosters
competitive pricing among its many and varied attractions.

Epcot Center gift shops supply fully two-thirds of Florida's tax revenue.

When one thinks of entrepreneurial spirit, innovation and "youth culture",
one thinks of California.

Sales of Geritol(TM) make up the remaining third of Florida's tax revenue.

California has In-N-Out Burger.

Q.E.D.

Still on the fence? Then allow me to quote Disney's own web site, which
provides the following information titled, "Getting to Disneyland":

"Disneyland is located in Anaheim, California. To get to the park, fly
to Los Angeles International Airport, then travel south on the I-405
freeway, east through Orange county on I-105 to I-605, to I-5 south. Exit
at Harbor Boulevard and travel south. Disneyland's main entrance is on
the right."

Now see if you can pick up on the subtle but unnerving differences
between those directions and these, to Disney World:

"Travel Tip: Packing for your adventure to The Magic Kingdom can be
exciting. But don't get carried away! Disney Corp. recommends that you
arrive with a minimum of two empty bags per person.

Fly to Orlando. During descent do not stow your tray table or return
your seat to its upright and locked position; I will do it for you.
After touching down on Tinkerbell Runway 1-Left your "Magic Carpet"
will taxi to Goofy Gate. Pick up your empty luggage at the Sorcerer's
Apprentice Carousel, then be sure to check out one of our Disney Stores,
which are conveniently incorporated into all airport restroom exits.
Leaving the airport? No problem! Simply purchase 2-day or 3-day
park-hopper tickets for each member of your family, hand the tickets
slowly and carefully to any of the armed and adorable Disney characters
blocking the doors, run the final gauntlet of strategically-placed Disney
merchandise, step outside and you're there! Welcome to Disney World! A
wholly-owned subsidiary of Wal*Mart!"

Oh to be six again...

(This message paid for by YesOnDisneyland.org.)

John Lengyel lives in Cohasset with his wife, three daughters, a male
cat who answers only to the name "Muffin", and two suitcases full of
freakish whirling Disney light-up toys in various states of repair.