The Stroller
As responsible new parents you'll be tempted to spend as much time
evaluating, discussing and shopping for the right stroller as other people
spend searching for the holy grail. But it's important to understand
that strollers are a poor investment. They depreciate considerably the
minute someone throws up on them. And every year there's a new must-have
stroller from somewhere in Europe, as if just having a sexy accent and
the world's lowest infant mortality rates and being really well-educated
makes you a good parent. Some perfectly fine strollers are built right
here in America. I wouldn't trust my cat's life to one of them but my
cat and I are pretty close so maybe that's just me.

Sleep Deprivation
It's 4:15am. All night at thirty-five minute intervals you have rocked
your baby to sleep, crawled into your warm bed and begun drifting off,
only to hear that hated monitor start up again. But this time she's down;
you can tell. Rising from the rocker without using your arms, as if
handling a freezer bag full of nitroglycerin, you float that baby over
the crib rail and down onto the mattress, ignoring the discs slipping
in your upper back. You slowly, imperceptibly slide your hands out from
under her, lift your arms and, holding your breath, glide away from the
crib, turn, and clip the Diaper Genie with your right knee.

You stand stock still. You wait, listening. There's a little stir. It
could be nothing. She's just settling. Another stir. Now a snort. You
pray to God, the devil, the saints, the angels, the Red Sox--anyone
who comes to mind. She makes that tiny "Eh" sound--a noise that can
only lead in one direction--and you know you're doomed. It is at this
moment that I want you to remember the name Richard Ferber. He can help
you. Let Ferber into your heart and find peace.

Avoid Gender-Based Stereotypes
By all means buy your daughter Tonka Trucks, airplanes, Hot Wheels, and
all the stereotypical "boy" toys. Just don't expect her to show a whiff
of interest in any of them, except as something to crush underfoot as
she dances around with her princess dolls. On a side note if you're in
the market for mint condition trucks, airplanes and Hot Wheels we have
a bunch to loan out.

Advice for Dad
It's been an exhausting, exciting week involving every distraction
imaginable: the baby, the in-laws, the loud, omnipresent neighbors. It's
the absolute last time you'd expect a person to be wondering when his wife
might again be "approachable." So why are you? I'll tell you why. Because
your suspicions are correct: that day is a long, long way off. The woman
just had a baby, you jerk. The mere fact that you're pondering this
is an insult to us caring, sensitive men. Statistics do show that the
average family has 2.2 children, so in theory there's light at the end
of the tunnel, but since those statistics come from Europe I wouldn't
get my hopes up.

Advice for Mom
Forgive him. He knows not what he does. Especially when it comes to
treating beet stains on light fabrics.

Advice for Baby
You won't remember the cake, the ice cream, or any of the gifts you
receive on your first birthday, but you'll never forget those four
shots in the bum. If you find yourself in an unusually clean room with a
stranger who sounds intelligent but reeks of iodine, run. I don't care
if you have to walk before you can run, just run dammit. No one gets
polio anymore. Run, Lola, run.

And call your mother.

John Lengyel lives in Cohasset. Currently he is next door extolling the
virtues of Desitin.